Strangely Shaped Girl

Transforming body, mind & soul, one tiny metamorphosis at a time.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Been a while...

Hi ladies, and folks who stop by..

It's been a while since I posted. I've been swamped with life and crap and more crap and I really hope I don't get slapped upside the head for saying crap. Crap. ;)

So - I quit another spot at Suite so I could spend more time writing and editing. Yay me. Now I've been too busy to do that even..LOL I've gone back to school - and I found out on Friday I'll be spending the next five months in a freakin classroom with the ex's girlfriend.

That's right. That thing. See more here. So ok, I can deal. Fine. BUT then I take my youngest brother xmas shopping, and turn a corner in the store, and run right into - yeah - the two of them. For gods' sakes, aren't there any other stores in the world? And what did I do?

I bought a bag of Icy Squares (for those in the States, or where-ever, if ya don't got 'em, they're chocolate). There was like, ten in the bag, and I did share them with my brother - but still. I thought I was over all that crap. :( I'm gonna be doing reverse sit-ups for two weeks solid to lose that...

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Hello Blog

I just realized that I've never posted here or even introduced myself to the other bloggers so here I am. A very strangely shaped girl who's body image problems since she can remember. Actually, I do remember a time when I didn't care what I looked like and when I ran around with the boys in class with reckless abandon but then puberty hit (I was the first in my class to get boobs!) and everything changed!

Since then it's been a downhill battle with myself and I normally lose. I call myself a "recovering anorexic" but deep down inside I realize I'll never recover. I don't think anyone ever does. I respond to stress by calling it back: restricting, weighing, making the scale my judge and jury. I go into spells where I pop pills constantly, even though I don't need to. I was so scared I'd never lose weight again when I heard ephedra got banned that I bought 4 bottles for a safety net, even though I know how dangerous it is. Heck, I talk to the guy who basically did all the research on it and is the one responsible for single-handedly getting it banned everyday. Still, I look at the bottles. I'd take them in a minute too, heart murmur and all. I know I would.

I weigh myself everyday and the number determines how good a day it's going to be. Up? Today, we get no food. Skip breakfast, eat a light dinner. Down? You can have lunch today! The number quantifies my self-esteem and if I don't know it, I go nuts. I constantly check labels, skip meals . . . am I really recovered? I think I just learned to control it more, so I won't be on the cusp of death this time around. I'm not the same 90 lb waif that can't cross a room or lift a backpack without fainting, but I'm the photo of an anorexic just the same.

What can make me stop hating myself so much? I can't remember a time in my "adult" life that I actually enjoyed food. Yes, sometimes I enjoy having a good milkshake or chocolate bar, but I torture myself afterwards and during. Why did I eat that? How much did I gain? While I'm eating I constantly think, "I should just eat half. I can't eat this whole thing. It's bad for me." I feel myself getting fat, even though I know that's stupid. I feel it! I don't see normal people eating like that. I don't see normal people tortured by their food. What makes me so different?

There's a part of me that's afraid to stop hating myself. I think being "fat" would be the worst thing in the world. I'd rather die than be fat. I remember when I was going through treatment I weighed [deletes number, why is that number so important?]. I felt so gross. I felt so useless. I never want to feel like that again. Ana, as the kids call it, is a cruel mistress. My body has been tortured by "her" so much, perhaps it will come down to dying to be thin.

Anyway, that is my life. Hello to all of you (I know Dina from somewhere else :-) .


Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Yeah, so I'm here

I don't like to discuss my weight. For a while, I avoided it. Then diabetes set in, and arthritis got worse. So....


I JOINED CURVES. Yes, I did. Joined on Friday, worked out that day (dear gods help me!), didn't work out Saturday (the close at 12, I woke up at 12:30) or Sunday, when they're closed all day. I have worked out yesterday and today, though. And you know what?? I LOVE IT. It's amazing. Just when I get pissed off with the machine, I move. I LOVE IT (I know, I've already said that).


Now to work on my eating habits.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Cancellations

Sorry I've not posted in such a long while, but in a nutshell: things are not good. Sufficiently so that I am far too raw to post material in the vein of this particular blog right now. That will change with time and I will get back to divulging my hideousness for all to read, but just not now.

I think the Paris trip is cancelled, but I'm forcing myself to hold off on the decision until the very last minute.

Sometimes I wish my whole life was cancelled.

Monday, August 09, 2004

In 3 Weeks...

In 3 weeks I'll be leaving for Paris. Tanning, primping & preening, getting myself into some sort of shape (whatever shape it may be, remains to be seen). Three weeks! Cannot possibly be coming that quickly...can it?

I can't help but think back to the AbFab season 4 episode where Edina decides to go on a crash diet to lose weight quickly. (Though that's hardly what I've been doing for the past few months, there's very little "crash" about it...) Quote: "In three weeks I want to be on the cusp of organ failure."

Good old Eddie.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

I Still Like "BodyFlex"

The "BodyFlex" exercise routine marketers just plain got greedy. And it's a shame, too, because they have a product that I think genuinely works.

When I bought the BodyFlex videos & isometrics bar a long while ago, they weren't making any outrageous claims. They were simply telling the facts: increased oxygen into your body is good! Add resistance for muscle building and you'll have a sure-fire way to fight flab. I had been practicing pranayama for some time, and it seemed like a natural thing to combine both structured breathing and physical exercise. Plus, isometrics just feels soooooooooo good. (As does deep breathing!)

I was immediately thrilled with the BodyFlex program and loved the isometric "gym bar". It's a little wonder. And I liked the sensbility of it all--no hype, no pressure, just a lot of positive reinforcement and good vibes. Greer Childers, the spokeswoman, has a very gentle way about her. Her little words of encouragement are quite nice, despite the fact that she looks exactly like Barbie, right down to the unnatural proportions. She's still huffing and puffing away whilst doing the exercises with you and that's kinda neat.

Plus, you do the entire routine sitting in a chair, but at the end your heart is pumping, you're feeling the burn, and you're definitely aerobic--no doubts about it. It's cardio in its own oxygenated way.

Then the marketers decided to try the tactic of "lose 7-14 inches in 7 days without dieting", which is ludicrous. Of course, the FTC sued. I don't think the BodyFlex program is still being produced, which is a pity. If they hadn't tried the gimmick, they'd still be selling the product--and at not an inconsiderable profit (but people would be feeling good about it instead of feeling cheated).

FWIW, I did not lose 7-14 inches in 7 days, but I did lose a combined total of 25 inches (from all measured points) in the first month, just doing BodyFlex by itself. I still do the routine and still like it very much. It, alone, is not enough to cause substantial weight loss, despite my initial dramatic results (they were not sustainable). It takes proper nutrition & diet, lots of water, and I find that if I do yoga after the BodyFlex routine the results are much more permanent. It's always a combination of things.

Nowadays it's hard to weed out the genuine treasures from the hyped-up junk. Every company seems to be trying to one-up the competition with increasingly incredulous claims. The FTC must have several full-time employees doing nothing but sueing fitness companies. But I consider "BodyFlex" to be a gem. YMMV, of course, because exercise is nothing if not utterly subjective!

I do not think I would have purchased "BodyFlex" had the claim of 7-14 inches in the first week been front and centre when I bought it. I don't recall that phrase being bandied about on the web site or infomercial. I wonder when the parent company decided to jump on the hype bandwagon? At any rate, there is no magic bullet for weight loss, and every time we try a gimmick & fail, we just run the risk of feeling worse about ourselves ("why does this work for them, but not for me?").

I try to steer clear of any product that raises the "too good to be true" red flags. But if you like breathing exercises and you like stretching & resistance training, look for a BodyFlex kit on eBay. You'll want the instructional videos and the "gym bar" (sometimes referred to as "BodyFlex Plus"). Just don't expect to lose 7-14 inches in 7 days--I'm not sure that's possible unless you're dead!

Friday, July 23, 2004

Sex & Feeling Sexy

Many people tell me that one symptom of depression is a lack of libido. For it, it's always been the exact opposite. When I'm very depressed, I am hypersexual, because giving another person pleasure makes me feel good about myself. I get a sort of high from it, not unlike being buzzed on drugs or alcohol.

As a general matter of course I'm a sexual/sensual being. I love sex and I love making a man feel good. Even when I'm not depressed, nothing makes me feel sexier than to watch a man's face when I'm doing something naughty to him.

But sex, to me, is only good when it's with someone I care about. I can't derive the same boost of self-confidence from attempting to please someone I know nothing about. It just feels hollow and lacking in any substance.

When I am not depressed, sex becomes almost a holy act, for me. I can escape into a "sexual trance" where the only thing that matters is what I'm doing and what's being done to me, focusing entirely on the union of my lover's body with mine. Being in that moment, sharing something so personal...it really is the stuff of dreams.

I haven't been in a deep depression in a long time, and I am making so many positive changes in my life, I don't think I'll be sliding down that slope again anytime soon. Hopefully, if I ever do, I'll be in a relationship with someone who can recognise the depressive tendencies in me and help me to nip it in the bud (either by himself or by encouraging me to seek therapy) before it gets out of hand.

Meanwhile, as I continue to make positive changes and sound steps forward, I am finding my self-confidence creeping towards a better place. The support of loved ones helps immeasurably, but at the end of the day, I've had to be responsible for my own happiness--or misery--and now that I am starting to attain some joy, I'm working even harder at doing what must be done to hold on to it.