Sex & Feeling Sexy
Many people tell me that one symptom of depression is a lack of libido. For it, it's always been the exact opposite. When I'm very depressed, I am hypersexual, because giving another person pleasure makes me feel good about myself. I get a sort of high from it, not unlike being buzzed on drugs or alcohol.
As a general matter of course I'm a sexual/sensual being. I love sex and I love making a man feel good. Even when I'm not depressed, nothing makes me feel sexier than to watch a man's face when I'm doing something naughty to him.
But sex, to me, is only good when it's with someone I care about. I can't derive the same boost of self-confidence from attempting to please someone I know nothing about. It just feels hollow and lacking in any substance.
When I am not depressed, sex becomes almost a holy act, for me. I can escape into a "sexual trance" where the only thing that matters is what I'm doing and what's being done to me, focusing entirely on the union of my lover's body with mine. Being in that moment, sharing something so personal...it really is the stuff of dreams.
I haven't been in a deep depression in a long time, and I am making so many positive changes in my life, I don't think I'll be sliding down that slope again anytime soon. Hopefully, if I ever do, I'll be in a relationship with someone who can recognise the depressive tendencies in me and help me to nip it in the bud (either by himself or by encouraging me to seek therapy) before it gets out of hand.
Meanwhile, as I continue to make positive changes and sound steps forward, I am finding my self-confidence creeping towards a better place. The support of loved ones helps immeasurably, but at the end of the day, I've had to be responsible for my own happiness--or misery--and now that I am starting to attain some joy, I'm working even harder at doing what must be done to hold on to it.
As a general matter of course I'm a sexual/sensual being. I love sex and I love making a man feel good. Even when I'm not depressed, nothing makes me feel sexier than to watch a man's face when I'm doing something naughty to him.
But sex, to me, is only good when it's with someone I care about. I can't derive the same boost of self-confidence from attempting to please someone I know nothing about. It just feels hollow and lacking in any substance.
When I am not depressed, sex becomes almost a holy act, for me. I can escape into a "sexual trance" where the only thing that matters is what I'm doing and what's being done to me, focusing entirely on the union of my lover's body with mine. Being in that moment, sharing something so personal...it really is the stuff of dreams.
I haven't been in a deep depression in a long time, and I am making so many positive changes in my life, I don't think I'll be sliding down that slope again anytime soon. Hopefully, if I ever do, I'll be in a relationship with someone who can recognise the depressive tendencies in me and help me to nip it in the bud (either by himself or by encouraging me to seek therapy) before it gets out of hand.
Meanwhile, as I continue to make positive changes and sound steps forward, I am finding my self-confidence creeping towards a better place. The support of loved ones helps immeasurably, but at the end of the day, I've had to be responsible for my own happiness--or misery--and now that I am starting to attain some joy, I'm working even harder at doing what must be done to hold on to it.
